Twilight ≠ True Love

by Jamie Lamb: virtuousreality.com staff

Ladies...seriously. If I have to listen to one more grown woman (who should know better) go on and on about how great the Twilight books are and how wonderful Edward is and "if only my husband...", I'm going to scream a scream you people will hear in Alaska and Hawaii. I've heard from several pastors that their marriage counseling requests have gone sky high because of these books, and I can't tell you how many times I've seen "searching for my own personal Edward Cullen" on some teen girl's Facebook status. Since when did it become acceptable to obsess over and idolize unhealthy, destructive relationships? I can sort of understand it in young girls, because they're still learning, but we're the ones they're supposed to learn from and emulate. So if we're acting just as stupid and simpering about sexy, sparkling vampires as they are, who wins here? Well, I mean, the author has obviously hit the jackpot, and Hollywood is banking on our sad desperation, but the real world just took ten giant steps backward and our girls will end up the hardest hit by this one. When adults throw their support behind something as flagrantly ridiculous and harmful as the Twilight series, we can all expect to see our kids follow happily along behind us and pay dearly in the end.

I would love to do a survey of women across the age ranges and ask the question "What is true love?", because I think we've lost touch with what it really is. Recently, I heard a pastor say you should never (which in the Greek, means NEVER) use attraction as your basis for marriage. Not even obsessive, rippling, sparkling, vampire attraction. Because attraction fades, and as Solomon so perfectly put it "charm is deceptive and beauty is in vain". However, I can almost give you a 100% guarantee that most young people (and some sad older ones) are looking first and foremost for someone "hot." I hate that word. I hate it because it signifies a shallow and small view toward others. I've heard pastors label their wives as "hot" from the pulpit and it makes me cringe even more. I know they aren't really thinking though the ramifications, but in doing so, they validate the search for "hotness" for every single person listening.

The aforementioned pastor who cautioned his listeners to never use attraction as a basis for marriage, went on to say the number one quality to look for in a spouse is that they love God more than they love you. I agree. Because any relationship that's solely dependent on man-made love won't deliver in the end. It can't. God created us to be all caught up in Him, not in each other. We're supposed to love those people, and some of them we commit to loving for life, but really only be obsessed (if you want to call it that) with Him. And that, I think, is where we get down to the real issue behind this Twilight fixation. In each of us there exists this really strong desire to be wanted and chosen by someone. To be someone's favorite. And I think for a lot of us it's developed into a desperate need to be someone's everything, which is neither healthy nor godly, and can cause an overwhelming amount of pain and misery for both parties. We've bought the lie that man's brand of love is the best kind of love, so we chase it with our hearts leading the way and our heads on vacation. We have also lost sight of the fact that only God is supposed to be anyone's everything, so to desire that place in someone's life is the same as wanting to be a counterfeit god for them...always a bad idea.

You can see where this warped thinking has taken my generation and it's not pretty, but it's doing even more harm to the current teen generation. Girls today are willing to hand themselves over, body and soul, to any guy who seems even the slightest bit Edwardish because they think that in that guy, they've found someone who will "complete them" - thank you Tom Cruise. So in the end we, and they, have "exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man" and God's response has been - "Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever." (Romans 1:23-25).

So my question to you is this - When grown women are so quick to jump on the "I-wish-my-husband-loved-me-like-Edward-loves-Bella" bandwagon and jeopardize their marriages because their relationship isn't anything like the one in the book, how can we expect our young girls to have any clue whatsoever what a healthy, godly male/female relationship looks like? They already think attraction is everything; if we don't show them true love who will? Not Hollywood; it's not their style, and it doesn't sell as many books.

As an added note of interest, Vicki's keynote messages for the 2010 scheduled You & Your Girl events will focus on "true love," as defined by God. She will breakdown some of the myths regarding love and romance that your daughter(s) is/are subjected to from a very young age. If you live anywhere near Mississippi, Texas (Dallas area), New York (Syracuse), or Louisiana (Covington), load up the van and join her for a memorable weekend. More information about events can be found by clicking here.

Definitely more than the sum of their parts

by: Jamie Lamb, virtuousreality.com staff

I am so amazed at how the biggest disasters bring out the best in us. And by "us" I mean the human race. Like what's happening in Haiti right now. One day after the biggest earthquake to hit the Caribbean, and rescue teams from around the world are there already or on their way. I've been following the news as teams from Taiwan, Venezuela, England, the US and other countries have been working around the clock to help people they don't know, and probably hadn't thought about before yesterday. I've even gotten to see people's generosity first hand as I've watched donations pouring in to Makarios, an organization I work with that's helping kids living in poverty in the Dominican Republic - Haiti's neighbor country. We sent out an e-mail blast this morning asking for donations so we can send an emergency relief van tomorrow and my inbox hasn't stopped filling up all day. It's overwhelming and so so good to see the better side of all of us. Why does it take something like this to bring us around? Why don't we live every day as if tragedy is happening for someone somewhere (because it is) and try to do something about it?

Some people do and those are the people I want our girls to get to know. We tell our girls that they are more than the sum of their parts (Conversation 1) but I think they need our help daily to stop thinking about themselves and to focus on others and what it looks like to live for Jesus. It's easy to get caught up in the media blitz that is our world and think there are no young women out there for our girls to look up to but that's a lie, and if you're looking for a good example I just happen to know a few.

Take for instance my friend Sharla, who started Makarios because she saw there were thousands of poor, hungry kids in the DR who weren't being educated and were suffering from malnutrition. So she did something about it. We now have one school that's growing by leaps and bounds along with a feeding and medical program. Did I mention she's also adopting twin boys who were abandoned, one in the hospital where he almost died, and the other followed shortly after.

And another friend Sarah who, along with her husband, started a medical advocacy team to help bring kids to the US from Haiti who are suffering from life threatening medical problems they can't get treatment for there. They're also currently the parents of 14 kids, 8 of whom have been adopted from foster care or Haiti. I expect that number to keep growing.

Or how about Katie (pictured at the top with her girls). A young woman who went to Africa in 2006, was talked into coming back to teach kindergarten, and has since started a non-profit called Amazima Ministries that feeds, loves & educates over 150 kids a year who weren't being educated because they were too poor. She is also currently the mother of 14 girls who have been orphaned, a common problem in Uganda. Click here for her blog if you want to see her girls and get a glimpse of her life.

There are more, I could probably go on all day, but this is a good start if we want to open our girls' eyes to what it looks like to really live for Jesus, take chances, and love the people He has asked us to love. Each of these women has started a ministry that you and your girl can get involved with together. Your daughter can sponsor a child through either Makarios or Amazima, use her allowance to help a child get desperately needed medical care, or maybe your family can host a child from Haiti who will be here alone and in need of a temporary family. To do something immediately, both Makarios & the medical advocacy team are helping Haitians make it through the latest disaster and your family can help by donating through their websites.

These three women are so inspiring to me and I am daily thankful that I either know them personally or know of them through a friend. For our girls to really understand what we mean when we say "you are more than the sum of your parts" they have to be able to see beyond "their parts" to the world around them and realize that God has planned a life full of wonderful works for them to accomplish. It's already been written down, they just have to hand their lives to Jesus and follow where He leads.

Having it all...and hating it?

By Jamie Lamb/Virtuous Reality staff

Well ladies, it turns out we can't have it all after all...but I think most of us have already figured that out. I was just reading an article in the October 26th issue of Time Magazine titled The State of the American Woman and here are a few of the statistics comparing where we are today with where we were in the 70s:

• Today 61% of women are overweight compared with 41% in the 70s
  
• 39% of all births are to unmarried mothers compared to 12% in 1972
• 71% of women with children under 18 are working moms - it was 47% in 1975
• By the end of this year (2009) they're guessing the majority of workers in this country will be women (a first in history), which lays more of the family's financial stress on the shoulders of women.

The article celebrates the fact that women are now making .77 for every dollar a man makes, compared to .58 in 1972. This might sound a little disappointing to some, but we are definitely making progress and that's worth celebrating. It also notes that more women are holding high ranking positions in companies and places of power; 57% of college students are women; and more women than men are going on to get advanced degrees. However, after crunching all the numbers and weighing the facts, the finding that has everyone stumped is that "as women have gained more freedom, more education and more economic power, they have become less happy." Interesting. It turns out that what we thought would make us happy has actually left us stressed out, empty, and exhausted.

In Conversation #4, Vicki says several times that we have to regularly combat the media's lie that women can have it all. This article gives a hint of the fallout our girls may experience if we support that lie in our homes. It's obvious when you read the statistics that our generation bought fully into the "have it all, do it all, be whatever you want" myth and now we and our families are paying for it. Instead of teaching our kids to trust God with whatever He has planned and live fully for Him, we've modeled a lifestyle that's about following our own plans and asking God for help to get what we want...which reminds me of that line in Bruce Almighty when God asks Bruce "Since when do people know what they want?" Ummm...almost never.

Along with fighting the "you can have it all" myth, we need to help our girls understand that whether God has motherhood in store for them or a career as an astronaut (or both), each job has value but neither should determine their personal worth. Our value was settled once and for all when Jesus gave up everything in order to save us from ourselves and the consequences of our sins. We were never meant to pursue the things of this world with all our hearts and put all our hopes and dreams on the outcome of that pursuit. We were told simply to seek God with all our hearts and trust Him completely with our lives.

If you get a chance to read the Time article, it's worth the read. It offers valuable insight into the world in which our girls are growing up. Of course, the most valuable tool we can offer our daughters is our own personal example of living a Christ-centered life. It's time to expose the lie and tell our daughters that the world's formula for "having it all" is a faulty equation that doesn't add up in the end. Most importantly, let's show them by the way we live out our daily lives that "having it all" is the product of making Jesus Christ our all-in-all.

When True Love Doesn't Wait

By: Jamie Lamb (VirtuousReality.com staff)

We (Vicki and the VR staff) often get e-mails from moms who have recently found out that their sweet daughters, most of whom were raised in Christian homes and taught Christian values, have slept with her boyfriends. Somewhere in the e-mails, you will usually find a statement to the effect of: "I just don't understand how/why this happened." Some moms have talked briefly with their daughters about it, some are afraid to, but all are devastated and wondering what they did wrong and why their daughter would go against everything she's been taught regarding purity. They typically write to us for advice on where to go from here.

In a recent e-mail, a mom finished with "I would like to hear from other mothers who could share their own similar experience and some hope with me." We would love to use this blog to do just that. Most mothers reading this blog are doing everything they can to encourage their daughters to pursue sexual purity. Many of us know firsthand of the heartache that comes from not pursuing sexual purity and desperately want to spare our daughters from following in our footsteps. However, there are no guarantees and many "good girls" being raised in "good, Christian families" will make bad choices from time to time. When this happens, it's nice to lean on others who've been down the same road. Let me start by sharing an experience that I was blessed to be a part of during my years as a youth leader.

Years ago, I mentored a high school girl who shared with me that she was sleeping with her boyfriend. I encouraged her to talk with her mom about it, knowing her mom would be there for the long haul. She was afraid her mom would reject her, so she asked me to come along. She had somehow come to believe that her mom had never made any big mistakes and had done everything right when she was the same age. When we all got together to talk and the girl told her mom what was going on, her mom very humbly opened up and shared about her own past mistakes. I can't tell you how honored I was to just sit quietly and watch this mother reach out to her daughter, open her arms to her, and remind her she was loved and that Jesus was bigger than this one mistake. Their relationship today is much closer than it was before and they talk more freely about life, Jesus, and all the stuff that really matters.

While there's no fool-proof parenting formula to ensure that our kids will remain pure, honesty goes a long way. They need to know that we're all sinners and loved by a God who sees beyond our sins. Remember, there hasn't been one perfect mother in the history of all humanity and the only perfect child was Jesus. It's like Vicki says at the open and close of her 5 Conversations book/study, "God is not looking for perfect mothers to raise perfect daughters. He's looking for imperfect mothers raising imperfect daughters in an imperfect world...who are desperately dependent on a perfect God for the results." Amen to that.

Have you experienced a similar situation with your daughter? If so, do have some wisdom to share with other mothers who now find themselves in the same situation?

Learning to suffer well

By: Jamie Lamb/VirtuousReality.com staff

In Conversation #4 of Vicki's 5 Conversations book, she talks about the downside of the princess movement and the damaging message it can send our girls regarding a sense of entitlement. As she notes, we have many girls who are coddled to such an unhealthy degree that they grow up thinking they are are the center of the universe and guaranteed a life lived "happily ever after." When the first wave of adversity comes along and washes their fairytale sandcastle away, they are left ill-equipped to cope in the real world. A world, mind you, where no one is spared from adversity and suffering.

I've been reading Thomas Merton's, "The Seven Storey Mountain" (a great read) and when I hit the following sentence I had to stop for a while and think...actually I've done that a lot with this book but this is one of those times when someone else puts into words what you've been rolling around in your head for a long time. Here's what he said: “The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.”

For years I've been feeling that one of the biggest faith obstacles we face in this country is our desire to avoid suffering at all costs. I used to absolutely hate the book of Job because I was afraid that someday, I would be him. I reasoned that if I could ignore the book or not pay attention to that aspect of the Bible maybe I could avoid any of that stuff happening to me. But the bad stuff happens regardless of how deep in the sand we manage to bury our heads. What I've learned in having to face adversity is that suffering builds muscle and shows me whether or not my faith is true. And now, when trouble comes (as Jesus promised it would), it doesn't hold nearly as much power over me and I know for a fact that God will be here through all of it.

When everything falls apart here, we start to see this world for the mess it really is and begin to live for an eternity that blows this place out of the water. Death, it turns out, really does lose it's sting. The fear of suffering and the desire to avoid it feeds our selfishness and tells us it's ok to hole up in our comfortable houses, focus on ourselves, and stay far away from those who are hurting, hungry, lost and alone; from all the bad things in this world. Unfortunately, like Merton discovered, the desperate need to avoid suffering tends to produce in us a fear of suffering that's worse than what we were trying to avoid in the first place...and it stunts our spiritual growth.

We've also done our best to protect our kids from any possible pain and ended up giving them everything they think they need, but no tools to deal with the hard stuff in life. One of the pastors I was blessed to work with during my years in youth ministry told me that "the biggest problem with the youth today is they have no perceived need for God." They're given everything they want and isolated from the real world to the degree that they don't need to go to God for anything. I think that needs to change. We need to stop protecting them from suffering and instead start walking through it with them. Please note that I'm talking about suffering, not evil - we absolutely need to protect our kids from evil when we can. Suffering, on the other hand, produces patience, character, and hope. What I see in our world today is a generation or two short on character and just as depressed, selfish, anxious, and hopeless as the rest of the world.

What if, instead of sheltering our kids from the pain in the world, we walk honestly alongside them when the bad things happen and teach them that this mess is the natural outcome of sin? Let's teach them that God calls us as His ambassadors (2 Cor. 5:18-21), to push back the darkness and help wherever we can. What if we help them learn to trust in God when the storms are swirling all around them and stand unmoved in the face of whatever the devil or the world might throw at them? I would have been a world better off if I had learned early that faith doesn't depend on circumstances, but sits above them and is more than able to carry each of us through the valley of the shadow of death. No matter how hard we try, we will never be able to avoid pain or keep it away from our kids. On the contrary, we are called to stand firm with our eyes fixed on Jesus and see Him through the pain. In doing this, our faith grows and suffering loses any hold it might have once had on us. That is the kind of freedom this world needs to see in us and in the generations to come, because I have the distinct feeling that things will only get harder down here until Jesus comes back.

For some of our girls, learning to suffer can begin with not receiving the newest gadget or item of clothing that everyone else has. Some of them have never really had to go without, or sacrifice for the benefit of another. If they've never seen poverty and how the majority of the world lives, be the ones to show them and help them see the poor through the eyes of Jesus. There are plenty of orphanages in Mexico or mission trips where they could learn what it really means to go without. If that's too far or not in the budget, this time of year is the perfect time to get involved with some of the needy people in your own town. There are food pantries and Blue and Brown Santas everywhere who are struggling to gather up gifts and necessities for those who would otherwise go without. Let's start there and work on growing a noble, sacrificial heart in our girls instead of feeding a selfish appetite for the world that has little need of God.

Questions for further thought:

What are some things you have done to discourage the princess-mindset and expose your daughter to the needs of others?

In what ways have you walked alongside your daughter in adversity/suffering and modeled a healthy dependence on God?

The Husband/Marriage idol

By: Jamie Lamb/VirtuousReality.com staff

When was the last time you checked out the prayer board on the VirtuousReality.com site for teen girls? There's a twelve year old girl who writes in every month because she's struggling with depression and loneliness and she's decided that a boy is the answer to her problems. She thinks that if she can just have sex it will make everything better. Unfortunately she's not the only girl out there who believes this. Thanks to Hollywood and our obsession with romance and romantic comedies it's sort of an epidemic. I've talked to girl after girl whose hopes and dreams rest solely on finding the "one perfect guy" (whom God has created just for her). Sadly, they are under the misconception that they will not be complete until they say "I do." If ever we've set our girls up for huge disappointment, it's in feeding this lie.

Perhaps in our desperation to keep our daughters from making the same mistakes many of us have made, we've gone overboard in drilling home the message that they should save themselves for "the one" that God has set aside for them. Oh sure, saving yourself for marriage is good advice, but must it always be given with the underlying assumption that marriage is 100% guaranteed to every young woman? Biblically speaking, we've been "set aside" for Jesus, not for one another. When we emphasize the message that God has "one special person" set aside for a blissful marriage, our girls logically conclude that their future happiness is directly linked to finding that man and tying the knot. But what if God's plan for them is to be single? And how many of us know someone who waited for "the one" and married him only to have the marriage end in disappointment? Our one true soul mate is Jesus and Jesus alone. To put a person in that place is idolatry.

When we peddle the fairy tale myth to our daughters, we set them up for disappointment when they marry and it doesn't live up to their dreams and expectations. When their Prince Charming doesn't deliver, will they wonder if there is another one out there who will? Let's not forget that the divorce rate is about the same for Christian marriages as it is for non-Christian marriages. The fairy tale myth can also lead a girl to give herself away to the first guy who comes along and makes her heart go pitter-pat. I've talked to many Christian girls who justify sex because they honestly believe they will eventually marry the guy, so what does it matter? If they have latched onto the fairy tale myth, especially the culture's version, sex is just part of the package.

I'm not saying we should stop encouraging our girls to hold out for a good man who loves Jesus. Rather, the emphasis needs to be in helping them to see Jesus as the one true love of their life and key to their future happiness. After all, a genuine wholehearted love for God does more to curb behavior than all the sex talks, purity rings and scare tactics combined. It probably wouldn't hurt for us to squash the romantic dream a little and teach them that marriage is more about God than it is about us. Marriage is supposed to be a picture to a desperate and lost world of unconditional and faithful love.

Let's spend more time teaching our girls that Jesus is everything they've ever wanted and everything they'll ever need. Let's remind them that His love is the greatest love they will experience. If our daughters can come to understand these truths, it won't matter what the future holds in regard to marriage. They will rest content knowing they have already found their one and only "soul-mate." And this soul-mate will keep His promise to love them unconditionally and remain by their side indefinitely...unlike so many Prince Charmings.

You have the right to remain silent

By: Jamie Lamb

Joe Wilson, Serena, Kanye...where to begin? It would be easy to turn this into a "Hey people, we need to watch our words and put a guard over our mouths" conversation, but I don't think that's the real issue here -- it's just a symptom of something bigger. The question is, what's happening on a heart level that's got us all thinking we have the right to say whatever we feel, whenever the urge strikes? The passage that keeps scrolling through my head as I think about this issue is the first part of 2 Timothy 3 where Paul says:

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God..."

I don't know that I've ever seen a young generation that embodies more of those adjectives than the current one and the sad thing is, we've raised them to be this way. Part of the problem is that my own generation is pretty self-centered (can I get an amen) and it makes perfect sense that one selfish generation will beget an even more selfish one. This young "Self-Esteem Generation" has been told from day one that they were special, and beautiful, and wonderful, and that the world was their oyster. We have taught them to be proud of themselves instead of humble. To fight for their rights instead of sacrificing them for the benefit of others. They tend to believe that lying and cheating are perfectly acceptable ways to get what they want and that they aren't responsible for their actions. When they do get busted, they refuse to own up and apologize. I know of a family whose college-age daughter was recently killed in a pretty horrific accident on campus and not one of the young people responsible has offered any kind of apology to the family. Instead they've gone to great lengths to excuse their actions instead of accepting blame.

Another contributing factor is that we seem to have adopted all sorts of worldly parenting theories instead of sticking with what God has to say about the whole thing. Remember, He's the guy who asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, whom he loved. For a generation that tends to make idols of our children, that's a request we would delete the moment it popped into our heads. I'm not telling you to go tie your kid up and stick them on the grill, but the expectation here is that we love and obey God even when He asks us to do the hard stuff. It would probably help if we stopped following every parenting trend and went back to the basics. Like discipline. Whatever happened to good old discipline? What if they had to actually WORK to get that thing they "need" so badly instead of just working us over until we give in and deliver? And how about making your kid go back and apologize for the candy (Smurfs in my case) they stole at the store instead of giving them a wimpy talking-to with no other consequences to bear. Let's bring that one back! And how about the old favorite "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Ahhh, but that's a good one, and a lot more biblical than "Fight for your rights and express yourself, even if it hurts the people around you!".

When I watch the footage on Joe, Serena, and Kanye, I can't help but think of every nasty e-mail and comment we've gotten here or at the VR website...or even the string of expletives and name calling that I happened across on a youtube comment board the other day. My goodness some of us are angry! I think we have a big problem, and it's not just exclusive to the political and the famous. This world is desperate for Christians who are the real deal and not just a walking label. People who think more of others than themselves and keep their mouths shut when they have the chance to zing someone. And when we do offend someone, we offer a heartfelt apology, not because our agent said it would help our image, but because we understand that it's really God we have offended and the thought breaks our hearts. Can you imagine a world where kids are respectful of their parents and teachers? Can you believe we have to work hard to imagine that scenario these days? I'm pretty sure it starts with us. We have to stop covering for our kids and teaching them that they are the center of their world. Instead let's teach them that they were created for God, in order to love Him like crazy, and then love others as much as they love themselves. We should probably start by praying that God would help us model what we preach, instead of living by the motto "do as I say, not as I do".

What do you think? Am I off base, here?

For an excellent commentary on this very topic you might check out what Ruben Navarrette had to say on CNN.

Youth ministry makes a lousy parent

When I (Jamie) stepped down from full-time youth ministry about a year ago, I wrote a letter to parents and sort of vented everything I had ever wanted to say, but had never been given the opportunity. I didn't end up mailing it off, but just writing it made me feel somewhat better. One of my vents (is that a word?) came out of my own frustrations over what the church has become in recent days. Jesus never meant for us to hire church staff to do what we were each supposed to be doing as the church body. For example, if we were living in community like the first church was in the book of Acts then we wouldn't have to program it and call it small groups. And if parents were discipling their kids from the time they were born, we wouldn't have to program it and call it youth ministry. My frustration with most youth ministry programs is that they have taken over the most important part of parenting. But full blame can't lie with youth ministry. Many (but certainly, not all) parents have stood by and allowed it to happen.

The first and most important goal of parenting should be to raise children who love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. How is it then that so many parents seem content to punt their kids' spiritual development and pass it off to strangers who don't love them nearly as much as they can? Is it because they're too caught up in things that don't matter eternally, like grades and popularity and success - and being caught up in all that is exhausting, so they give up on the stuff that really matters? The truth is, if your child barely graduates from high school with a solid D report card, but loves God with all his/her heart, they are in a far better place than the child who graduates with straight A's, wins a full-ride scholarship to college, but ignores God at every crossroad they encounter.

So, maybe this post is really more of an apology to parents on behalf of a former youth minister, for being a bit too big for our britches at times. Somewhere along the way, youth ministry became far more than God intended and we ended up with way too much responsibility for the spiritual well-being of your children. In Deuteronomy 6:7, God instructed parents to impress His truths on their children's hearts and “talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” In doing so, He handed the mantle of spiritual discipleship to the parents, not the youth group. It is not the job of the church, or the 20-something year-old volunteers in the church, to make sure that your child graduates with a wholehearted devotion to God. Never forget that you are the God-ordained, primary influencer of your children.

I once heard my friend Beth Moore (never met her, I just like to call her that) say that He wants us to be so "eaten up with Him" that it just pours out of us onto everyone around us, including our kids. Now THAT is some excellent parenting advice.

Fashion 101 with Eliza Magazine

Hey gals, Jamie here. This one is for all you moms out there who are fashion challenged like me. A friend just introduced me to Eliza Magazine and it made me think about the comments we get on the VR site from girls who are frustrated over what to wear or not to wear, and parents' frustrations with fighting that battle over and over and over and over and...makes you want to scream doesn't it? If you've got a girl who desperately wants to look good and keeps getting sucked into the tight and skimpy everyone else seems to be wearing, this might be a good bonding moment for you two. Grab a copy of Eliza and either walk through it with her or leave it somewhere conspicuous where you know it could start a good conversation. I perused their articles online and some of them might be too old for your girl so you'll probably want to read it over yourself before putting it into her hot little hands. The magazine isn't available everywhere but you can order online on their website which is just www.elizamagazine.com. I will end by saying that I don't have a copy and therefore haven't thoroughly looked it over, but I do like what they say about themselves and that they're trying to combat Cosmo and Glamour and all other junk mags that portray women as brainless, self-involved sex maniacs. Have you guys read the cover of Cosmo lately??!! Seriously people.

Dangerous BFFs

By: Jamie Lamb & Vicki Courtney

There's an issue that's been slowly growing among teen girls over the last few years that nobody is talking about. I want to talk about dangerous BFF's. Maybe it starts with a new best friend that your daughter is very excited about and the truth is, you are too, because you've been praying behind the scenes that she would find a good friend. But maybe you've noticed that as the friendship has progressed, they have gotten more physically affectionate with each other. Maybe you've told yourself, "Well girls today are just more affectionate, it's probably nothing to worry about." And maybe it's not. But, maybe... it is.

Your daughter is growing up in a culture where bisexuality and homosexuality are presented as a normal part of their budding sexuality. In addition, your daughter has been exposed to more sexual images and themes in her young life than you could ever imagine. She has been groomed by the world to think about romance, intimacy, and sex around the clock. All this to say, it's not uncommon for the lines to get blurred between affectionate friendships and unwholesome relationships.

In my last few years as a youth worker I have witnessed for myself, and heard from students who say that it isn't uncommon to see girls holding hands, sitting on each others' laps, and snuggling at sleepovers. Add to the mix that very few kids are receiving any instruction from their parents about healthy boundaries when it comes to relationships, and I guess this new trend shouldn't come as a surprise.

So now your daughter has an exciting new friend who likes to snuggle up on the couch while watching TV. Or maybe there are a few pictures on Facebook of one of them giving the other one a peck on the cheek. Or maybe you see them walking hand in hand...like they did when they were in pre-school. What's the harm, you may wonder? To some, the above behaviors may seem innocent, but herein lies the problem: The culture is cheering our kids on to experiment with their sexuality. We all have areas of weakness. Some of us are more susceptible to depression or outbursts of anger. And yet for others, the struggle could be homosexual urges. The "struggle" itself is not a sin because we all have struggles. However, acting upon a struggle that doesn't line up with God's standards, is the sin.

And the truth is, when someone struggles with same-sex urges, a kiss on the cheek or a snuggle-fest on the couch is going to mean much more than an expression of "friendship." For those who endure this struggle, it will be very hard to separate same-sex intimacy and the powerful emotional bond it creates and categorize it into the "friendship" category. The bond that results from the affection is so powerful, that it can leave them confused about their sexuality and craving more attention and affection...almost like a buzz you might get from an addiction to alcohol or drugs.

I want to be very blunt with you here. Some of your daughters are "struggling" with same-sex attractions. Even if this isn't a struggle for your daughter, she may have friends who are experiencing this struggle. Don't believe me? Here are a few recent situations related to this issue that I know about personally:

1) A friend of mine was talking with a senior pastor who recently went on a youth trip with some high school boys from the church and the local community. He shared the following:

"The boys shared that the biggest struggle they face today was not drugs, alcohol, girls, etc..., but homosexuality. Many of the boys confessed that they are struggling with that temptation now more than anything else."

2) A mother recently contacted me about her daughter who recently confessed that she is in a same-sex relationship with another female. Both girls are Christians and deeply involved in ministry at their churches. The mother claimed that the two girls are keeping the relationship a secret for now, but are justifying the relationship to family members and friends who have caught on that it's transitioned to more than just friendship. The mother shared that their relationship initially began as an innocent, yet affectionate friendship.

In the situations above, the people struggling, or for that matter, giving into the struggle, are church kids raised in what we like to call "Christian homes". At Virtuous Reality, we have noticed a steady increase in the amount of emails we receive from moms (and girls) who are dealing with this very issue. I recently blogged about guarding your heart against your friends on the virtuousreality.com website, and I received several comments from parents who are currently dealing with an unhealthy same-sex relationship on the part of their child at this time. So, what's a parent to do?

First I think we need to remember that we're on the winning side of this fight, so let's not give in to spirit of discouragement. If your daughter (or son) is in a relationship that makes you feel somewhat "uncomfortable," you need to address the problem. When your child is lost in the emotion of a new relationship, they need a loving parent who can think clearly and speak truth to them. Talk to your child openly about the "struggle" some people have with same-sex attractions and validate that the "struggle" itself is not a sin. In other words, you normalize that we all have "struggles," without normalizing the actual behavior. And teach them that the actual struggle against sin sometimes requires sacrifice, which means they might have to give up something or someone they're really drawn to in order to win the fight.

Help your daughter connect the dots and see that engaging in what may appear to them to be "innocent behaviors" with their girlfriends, can actually tempt or entice someone who is struggling with same-sex attractions. A girlfriend, mind you, that they very well may not even be aware has this struggle. Similarly, if we had a friend who struggles with an addiction to alcohol, would we invite her over for a drink? Or on the other hand, if we are the one with the struggle, would we willingly put ourselves in a tempting situation that will leave us in a tough position to resist? Hopefully, not.

Young people these days are desperate for guidance to help them define what healthy, God-honoring relationships look like. It's our job as parents and youth leaders to not only show them, but tell them as well.