Learning to suffer well

By: Jamie Lamb/VirtuousReality.com staff

In Conversation #4 of Vicki's 5 Conversations book, she talks about the downside of the princess movement and the damaging message it can send our girls regarding a sense of entitlement. As she notes, we have many girls who are coddled to such an unhealthy degree that they grow up thinking they are are the center of the universe and guaranteed a life lived "happily ever after." When the first wave of adversity comes along and washes their fairytale sandcastle away, they are left ill-equipped to cope in the real world. A world, mind you, where no one is spared from adversity and suffering.

I've been reading Thomas Merton's, "The Seven Storey Mountain" (a great read) and when I hit the following sentence I had to stop for a while and think...actually I've done that a lot with this book but this is one of those times when someone else puts into words what you've been rolling around in your head for a long time. Here's what he said: “The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.”

For years I've been feeling that one of the biggest faith obstacles we face in this country is our desire to avoid suffering at all costs. I used to absolutely hate the book of Job because I was afraid that someday, I would be him. I reasoned that if I could ignore the book or not pay attention to that aspect of the Bible maybe I could avoid any of that stuff happening to me. But the bad stuff happens regardless of how deep in the sand we manage to bury our heads. What I've learned in having to face adversity is that suffering builds muscle and shows me whether or not my faith is true. And now, when trouble comes (as Jesus promised it would), it doesn't hold nearly as much power over me and I know for a fact that God will be here through all of it.

When everything falls apart here, we start to see this world for the mess it really is and begin to live for an eternity that blows this place out of the water. Death, it turns out, really does lose it's sting. The fear of suffering and the desire to avoid it feeds our selfishness and tells us it's ok to hole up in our comfortable houses, focus on ourselves, and stay far away from those who are hurting, hungry, lost and alone; from all the bad things in this world. Unfortunately, like Merton discovered, the desperate need to avoid suffering tends to produce in us a fear of suffering that's worse than what we were trying to avoid in the first place...and it stunts our spiritual growth.

We've also done our best to protect our kids from any possible pain and ended up giving them everything they think they need, but no tools to deal with the hard stuff in life. One of the pastors I was blessed to work with during my years in youth ministry told me that "the biggest problem with the youth today is they have no perceived need for God." They're given everything they want and isolated from the real world to the degree that they don't need to go to God for anything. I think that needs to change. We need to stop protecting them from suffering and instead start walking through it with them. Please note that I'm talking about suffering, not evil - we absolutely need to protect our kids from evil when we can. Suffering, on the other hand, produces patience, character, and hope. What I see in our world today is a generation or two short on character and just as depressed, selfish, anxious, and hopeless as the rest of the world.

What if, instead of sheltering our kids from the pain in the world, we walk honestly alongside them when the bad things happen and teach them that this mess is the natural outcome of sin? Let's teach them that God calls us as His ambassadors (2 Cor. 5:18-21), to push back the darkness and help wherever we can. What if we help them learn to trust in God when the storms are swirling all around them and stand unmoved in the face of whatever the devil or the world might throw at them? I would have been a world better off if I had learned early that faith doesn't depend on circumstances, but sits above them and is more than able to carry each of us through the valley of the shadow of death. No matter how hard we try, we will never be able to avoid pain or keep it away from our kids. On the contrary, we are called to stand firm with our eyes fixed on Jesus and see Him through the pain. In doing this, our faith grows and suffering loses any hold it might have once had on us. That is the kind of freedom this world needs to see in us and in the generations to come, because I have the distinct feeling that things will only get harder down here until Jesus comes back.

For some of our girls, learning to suffer can begin with not receiving the newest gadget or item of clothing that everyone else has. Some of them have never really had to go without, or sacrifice for the benefit of another. If they've never seen poverty and how the majority of the world lives, be the ones to show them and help them see the poor through the eyes of Jesus. There are plenty of orphanages in Mexico or mission trips where they could learn what it really means to go without. If that's too far or not in the budget, this time of year is the perfect time to get involved with some of the needy people in your own town. There are food pantries and Blue and Brown Santas everywhere who are struggling to gather up gifts and necessities for those who would otherwise go without. Let's start there and work on growing a noble, sacrificial heart in our girls instead of feeding a selfish appetite for the world that has little need of God.

Questions for further thought:

What are some things you have done to discourage the princess-mindset and expose your daughter to the needs of others?

In what ways have you walked alongside your daughter in adversity/suffering and modeled a healthy dependence on God?

The Husband/Marriage idol

By: Jamie Lamb/VirtuousReality.com staff

When was the last time you checked out the prayer board on the VirtuousReality.com site for teen girls? There's a twelve year old girl who writes in every month because she's struggling with depression and loneliness and she's decided that a boy is the answer to her problems. She thinks that if she can just have sex it will make everything better. Unfortunately she's not the only girl out there who believes this. Thanks to Hollywood and our obsession with romance and romantic comedies it's sort of an epidemic. I've talked to girl after girl whose hopes and dreams rest solely on finding the "one perfect guy" (whom God has created just for her). Sadly, they are under the misconception that they will not be complete until they say "I do." If ever we've set our girls up for huge disappointment, it's in feeding this lie.

Perhaps in our desperation to keep our daughters from making the same mistakes many of us have made, we've gone overboard in drilling home the message that they should save themselves for "the one" that God has set aside for them. Oh sure, saving yourself for marriage is good advice, but must it always be given with the underlying assumption that marriage is 100% guaranteed to every young woman? Biblically speaking, we've been "set aside" for Jesus, not for one another. When we emphasize the message that God has "one special person" set aside for a blissful marriage, our girls logically conclude that their future happiness is directly linked to finding that man and tying the knot. But what if God's plan for them is to be single? And how many of us know someone who waited for "the one" and married him only to have the marriage end in disappointment? Our one true soul mate is Jesus and Jesus alone. To put a person in that place is idolatry.

When we peddle the fairy tale myth to our daughters, we set them up for disappointment when they marry and it doesn't live up to their dreams and expectations. When their Prince Charming doesn't deliver, will they wonder if there is another one out there who will? Let's not forget that the divorce rate is about the same for Christian marriages as it is for non-Christian marriages. The fairy tale myth can also lead a girl to give herself away to the first guy who comes along and makes her heart go pitter-pat. I've talked to many Christian girls who justify sex because they honestly believe they will eventually marry the guy, so what does it matter? If they have latched onto the fairy tale myth, especially the culture's version, sex is just part of the package.

I'm not saying we should stop encouraging our girls to hold out for a good man who loves Jesus. Rather, the emphasis needs to be in helping them to see Jesus as the one true love of their life and key to their future happiness. After all, a genuine wholehearted love for God does more to curb behavior than all the sex talks, purity rings and scare tactics combined. It probably wouldn't hurt for us to squash the romantic dream a little and teach them that marriage is more about God than it is about us. Marriage is supposed to be a picture to a desperate and lost world of unconditional and faithful love.

Let's spend more time teaching our girls that Jesus is everything they've ever wanted and everything they'll ever need. Let's remind them that His love is the greatest love they will experience. If our daughters can come to understand these truths, it won't matter what the future holds in regard to marriage. They will rest content knowing they have already found their one and only "soul-mate." And this soul-mate will keep His promise to love them unconditionally and remain by their side indefinitely...unlike so many Prince Charmings.

You have the right to remain silent

By: Jamie Lamb

Joe Wilson, Serena, Kanye...where to begin? It would be easy to turn this into a "Hey people, we need to watch our words and put a guard over our mouths" conversation, but I don't think that's the real issue here -- it's just a symptom of something bigger. The question is, what's happening on a heart level that's got us all thinking we have the right to say whatever we feel, whenever the urge strikes? The passage that keeps scrolling through my head as I think about this issue is the first part of 2 Timothy 3 where Paul says:

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God..."

I don't know that I've ever seen a young generation that embodies more of those adjectives than the current one and the sad thing is, we've raised them to be this way. Part of the problem is that my own generation is pretty self-centered (can I get an amen) and it makes perfect sense that one selfish generation will beget an even more selfish one. This young "Self-Esteem Generation" has been told from day one that they were special, and beautiful, and wonderful, and that the world was their oyster. We have taught them to be proud of themselves instead of humble. To fight for their rights instead of sacrificing them for the benefit of others. They tend to believe that lying and cheating are perfectly acceptable ways to get what they want and that they aren't responsible for their actions. When they do get busted, they refuse to own up and apologize. I know of a family whose college-age daughter was recently killed in a pretty horrific accident on campus and not one of the young people responsible has offered any kind of apology to the family. Instead they've gone to great lengths to excuse their actions instead of accepting blame.

Another contributing factor is that we seem to have adopted all sorts of worldly parenting theories instead of sticking with what God has to say about the whole thing. Remember, He's the guy who asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, whom he loved. For a generation that tends to make idols of our children, that's a request we would delete the moment it popped into our heads. I'm not telling you to go tie your kid up and stick them on the grill, but the expectation here is that we love and obey God even when He asks us to do the hard stuff. It would probably help if we stopped following every parenting trend and went back to the basics. Like discipline. Whatever happened to good old discipline? What if they had to actually WORK to get that thing they "need" so badly instead of just working us over until we give in and deliver? And how about making your kid go back and apologize for the candy (Smurfs in my case) they stole at the store instead of giving them a wimpy talking-to with no other consequences to bear. Let's bring that one back! And how about the old favorite "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Ahhh, but that's a good one, and a lot more biblical than "Fight for your rights and express yourself, even if it hurts the people around you!".

When I watch the footage on Joe, Serena, and Kanye, I can't help but think of every nasty e-mail and comment we've gotten here or at the VR website...or even the string of expletives and name calling that I happened across on a youtube comment board the other day. My goodness some of us are angry! I think we have a big problem, and it's not just exclusive to the political and the famous. This world is desperate for Christians who are the real deal and not just a walking label. People who think more of others than themselves and keep their mouths shut when they have the chance to zing someone. And when we do offend someone, we offer a heartfelt apology, not because our agent said it would help our image, but because we understand that it's really God we have offended and the thought breaks our hearts. Can you imagine a world where kids are respectful of their parents and teachers? Can you believe we have to work hard to imagine that scenario these days? I'm pretty sure it starts with us. We have to stop covering for our kids and teaching them that they are the center of their world. Instead let's teach them that they were created for God, in order to love Him like crazy, and then love others as much as they love themselves. We should probably start by praying that God would help us model what we preach, instead of living by the motto "do as I say, not as I do".

What do you think? Am I off base, here?

For an excellent commentary on this very topic you might check out what Ruben Navarrette had to say on CNN.

Youth ministry makes a lousy parent

When I (Jamie) stepped down from full-time youth ministry about a year ago, I wrote a letter to parents and sort of vented everything I had ever wanted to say, but had never been given the opportunity. I didn't end up mailing it off, but just writing it made me feel somewhat better. One of my vents (is that a word?) came out of my own frustrations over what the church has become in recent days. Jesus never meant for us to hire church staff to do what we were each supposed to be doing as the church body. For example, if we were living in community like the first church was in the book of Acts then we wouldn't have to program it and call it small groups. And if parents were discipling their kids from the time they were born, we wouldn't have to program it and call it youth ministry. My frustration with most youth ministry programs is that they have taken over the most important part of parenting. But full blame can't lie with youth ministry. Many (but certainly, not all) parents have stood by and allowed it to happen.

The first and most important goal of parenting should be to raise children who love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. How is it then that so many parents seem content to punt their kids' spiritual development and pass it off to strangers who don't love them nearly as much as they can? Is it because they're too caught up in things that don't matter eternally, like grades and popularity and success - and being caught up in all that is exhausting, so they give up on the stuff that really matters? The truth is, if your child barely graduates from high school with a solid D report card, but loves God with all his/her heart, they are in a far better place than the child who graduates with straight A's, wins a full-ride scholarship to college, but ignores God at every crossroad they encounter.

So, maybe this post is really more of an apology to parents on behalf of a former youth minister, for being a bit too big for our britches at times. Somewhere along the way, youth ministry became far more than God intended and we ended up with way too much responsibility for the spiritual well-being of your children. In Deuteronomy 6:7, God instructed parents to impress His truths on their children's hearts and “talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” In doing so, He handed the mantle of spiritual discipleship to the parents, not the youth group. It is not the job of the church, or the 20-something year-old volunteers in the church, to make sure that your child graduates with a wholehearted devotion to God. Never forget that you are the God-ordained, primary influencer of your children.

I once heard my friend Beth Moore (never met her, I just like to call her that) say that He wants us to be so "eaten up with Him" that it just pours out of us onto everyone around us, including our kids. Now THAT is some excellent parenting advice.

Fashion 101 with Eliza Magazine

Hey gals, Jamie here. This one is for all you moms out there who are fashion challenged like me. A friend just introduced me to Eliza Magazine and it made me think about the comments we get on the VR site from girls who are frustrated over what to wear or not to wear, and parents' frustrations with fighting that battle over and over and over and over and...makes you want to scream doesn't it? If you've got a girl who desperately wants to look good and keeps getting sucked into the tight and skimpy everyone else seems to be wearing, this might be a good bonding moment for you two. Grab a copy of Eliza and either walk through it with her or leave it somewhere conspicuous where you know it could start a good conversation. I perused their articles online and some of them might be too old for your girl so you'll probably want to read it over yourself before putting it into her hot little hands. The magazine isn't available everywhere but you can order online on their website which is just www.elizamagazine.com. I will end by saying that I don't have a copy and therefore haven't thoroughly looked it over, but I do like what they say about themselves and that they're trying to combat Cosmo and Glamour and all other junk mags that portray women as brainless, self-involved sex maniacs. Have you guys read the cover of Cosmo lately??!! Seriously people.

Dangerous BFFs

By: Jamie Lamb & Vicki Courtney

There's an issue that's been slowly growing among teen girls over the last few years that nobody is talking about. I want to talk about dangerous BFF's. Maybe it starts with a new best friend that your daughter is very excited about and the truth is, you are too, because you've been praying behind the scenes that she would find a good friend. But maybe you've noticed that as the friendship has progressed, they have gotten more physically affectionate with each other. Maybe you've told yourself, "Well girls today are just more affectionate, it's probably nothing to worry about." And maybe it's not. But, maybe... it is.

Your daughter is growing up in a culture where bisexuality and homosexuality are presented as a normal part of their budding sexuality. In addition, your daughter has been exposed to more sexual images and themes in her young life than you could ever imagine. She has been groomed by the world to think about romance, intimacy, and sex around the clock. All this to say, it's not uncommon for the lines to get blurred between affectionate friendships and unwholesome relationships.

In my last few years as a youth worker I have witnessed for myself, and heard from students who say that it isn't uncommon to see girls holding hands, sitting on each others' laps, and snuggling at sleepovers. Add to the mix that very few kids are receiving any instruction from their parents about healthy boundaries when it comes to relationships, and I guess this new trend shouldn't come as a surprise.

So now your daughter has an exciting new friend who likes to snuggle up on the couch while watching TV. Or maybe there are a few pictures on Facebook of one of them giving the other one a peck on the cheek. Or maybe you see them walking hand in hand...like they did when they were in pre-school. What's the harm, you may wonder? To some, the above behaviors may seem innocent, but herein lies the problem: The culture is cheering our kids on to experiment with their sexuality. We all have areas of weakness. Some of us are more susceptible to depression or outbursts of anger. And yet for others, the struggle could be homosexual urges. The "struggle" itself is not a sin because we all have struggles. However, acting upon a struggle that doesn't line up with God's standards, is the sin.

And the truth is, when someone struggles with same-sex urges, a kiss on the cheek or a snuggle-fest on the couch is going to mean much more than an expression of "friendship." For those who endure this struggle, it will be very hard to separate same-sex intimacy and the powerful emotional bond it creates and categorize it into the "friendship" category. The bond that results from the affection is so powerful, that it can leave them confused about their sexuality and craving more attention and affection...almost like a buzz you might get from an addiction to alcohol or drugs.

I want to be very blunt with you here. Some of your daughters are "struggling" with same-sex attractions. Even if this isn't a struggle for your daughter, she may have friends who are experiencing this struggle. Don't believe me? Here are a few recent situations related to this issue that I know about personally:

1) A friend of mine was talking with a senior pastor who recently went on a youth trip with some high school boys from the church and the local community. He shared the following:

"The boys shared that the biggest struggle they face today was not drugs, alcohol, girls, etc..., but homosexuality. Many of the boys confessed that they are struggling with that temptation now more than anything else."

2) A mother recently contacted me about her daughter who recently confessed that she is in a same-sex relationship with another female. Both girls are Christians and deeply involved in ministry at their churches. The mother claimed that the two girls are keeping the relationship a secret for now, but are justifying the relationship to family members and friends who have caught on that it's transitioned to more than just friendship. The mother shared that their relationship initially began as an innocent, yet affectionate friendship.

In the situations above, the people struggling, or for that matter, giving into the struggle, are church kids raised in what we like to call "Christian homes". At Virtuous Reality, we have noticed a steady increase in the amount of emails we receive from moms (and girls) who are dealing with this very issue. I recently blogged about guarding your heart against your friends on the virtuousreality.com website, and I received several comments from parents who are currently dealing with an unhealthy same-sex relationship on the part of their child at this time. So, what's a parent to do?

First I think we need to remember that we're on the winning side of this fight, so let's not give in to spirit of discouragement. If your daughter (or son) is in a relationship that makes you feel somewhat "uncomfortable," you need to address the problem. When your child is lost in the emotion of a new relationship, they need a loving parent who can think clearly and speak truth to them. Talk to your child openly about the "struggle" some people have with same-sex attractions and validate that the "struggle" itself is not a sin. In other words, you normalize that we all have "struggles," without normalizing the actual behavior. And teach them that the actual struggle against sin sometimes requires sacrifice, which means they might have to give up something or someone they're really drawn to in order to win the fight.

Help your daughter connect the dots and see that engaging in what may appear to them to be "innocent behaviors" with their girlfriends, can actually tempt or entice someone who is struggling with same-sex attractions. A girlfriend, mind you, that they very well may not even be aware has this struggle. Similarly, if we had a friend who struggles with an addiction to alcohol, would we invite her over for a drink? Or on the other hand, if we are the one with the struggle, would we willingly put ourselves in a tempting situation that will leave us in a tough position to resist? Hopefully, not.

Young people these days are desperate for guidance to help them define what healthy, God-honoring relationships look like. It's our job as parents and youth leaders to not only show them, but tell them as well.

The girl who traded a chance at the crown for Truth

UPDATE to original post: Note that the below post was written prior to the discovery of nude photos of Miss Prejean. I am working on a follow-up post to this one, but have a June 1st book deadline, so bear with me! Many of you have contacted me asking for an updated statement and for now, suffice it to say that in spite of Miss Prejean's bold stand regarding marriage, I am disappointed that it appears she has fallen prey to the culture's lies regarding beauty and worth. Our Christian girls are not exempt from around the clock exposure to the sexualization of young women that is common in our culture today. In the meantime, use Miss Prejean's mistake (and expressed regret) as a teachable moment with your daughters regarding God's definition of beauty and worth. (May 20, 2009)

From FoxNews.com:

Former Miss USA Shanna Moakler, who is now the director of the Miss California USA pageant, spent the last few weeks in Las Vegas actively promoting her pageant princess, Carrie Prejean.

But Moakler and her business partner, Keith Lewis, a strong activist against Proposition 8, were so infuriated over Prejean’s answer to Perez Hilton’s gay marriage question during Sunday’s crowning, they refused to make contact with the San Diego native after the show.

While all of the state pageant directors were quick to greet their beauty queens after the live telecast, Moakler and Lewis did not go backstage, nor did they call Prejean to congratulate her on being first runner-up for Miss USA, after Prejean told a national TV audience that she was personally opposed to gay marriage. (Click here to read the remainder of the article.)

You would sure think that fellow Hollywood Christians would come out in support of this poor girl, but lo' and behold if Miss Miley Cyrus didn't jump in and side with the judges by "tweeting" her disgust over Carrie Prejean's answer. Check out this excerpt from an article on Celebuzz.com:

Though she lost the Miss USA competition on Sunday, Miss California Prejean made headlines this week, due to her answer to a judge's question about the legalization of gay marriage.

"In my country, and in my family, I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman," Prejean replied.

Earlier this week, Prejean defended her statement, calling it "biblically correct."

Now Cyrus has reached out to that particular judge, letting him know that—despite her own devotion to the Lord's teachings—she sits on the opposite side of the fence from the beauty-pageant contestant when it comes to the topic of gay marriage.

"That's lame!" Cyrus wrote in a series of tweets that began yesterday morning. "God's greatest commandment is to love. and judging is not loving. thats why christians have such a bad rep."

Later, she added, "Jesus loves you AND your partner and wants you to know how much he cares! That's like a daddy not loving his lil boy cuz hes gay." (Click here to read the article)

Oh Miley...Miley, Miley, Miley. Yes, God loves everyone, but that doesn't mean He would endorse a union that stands in stark contrast to what He created marriage to be and clearly mandated in Scripture. Get ready, folks. When it comes to stories like the one above, this is only the beginning...

(NOTE: Due to the volatility of this particular topic, please know that hateful or insensitive comments made that could be perceived as hurtful to either the Christian or homosexual community, will not be posted.)

5 Conversations in 5 weeks has begun!

To watch the video session for each week related to Conversations #1-5, click on the corresponding conversation 1-5 buttons above (right under the title banner of this blog).

True Beauty, eh?

We're one week away from kicking off our book club and it's as if ABC wants to play along. If you've been watching TV at all the last month you've probably seen a preview for their latest reality show "True Beauty". If you've missed it, here's a slice of what's to come:



Since the first conversation in Vicki's book is "You are more than the sum of your parts", the timing on this new show could not have been more perfect. The start date for our online book club is January 5th and, believe it or not, True Beauty premiers the same night. So if you're interested in a little interactive homework with your teen daughter, tune in to ABC on Monday at 10/9 central, and hopefully we'll get some great conversation out of this. In all my years of youth ministry I have never seen girls as obsessed with appearance (theirs and others) as this current generation, so my suggestion would be to watch with the following questions in mind:

1) How does Hollywood define inner beauty as they are judging the cast?
2) If you were to watch this show with your daughter (it might be totally inappropriate), what conversations could you pull from it?
3) Do you and your children struggle with caring more about outward appearances than the heart?
4) Do you tend to feed your daughter's obsession with her appearance or do you consistently shift her focus back to what truly matters?
5) What lies about beauty and looks have you and your family bought into that are the opposite of what the Bible says?

If y'all come up with more questions as you watch, please share with the group. I'm curious to hear what everyone is thinking and see if we can encourage each other toward a more Godly view of beauty and worth. Don't feel like you have to wait until the show airs to start blogging about the book. See you Monday!

We have winners!

Drumroll please....

The grand prize winner of our survey on girl politics and the winner of and iPod shuffle and library of Between books is: (we will contact the winners privately by email)

Emily, age 11

The (3) runners up who will each get a library of Between books are:

Kaylin, age 10
Gianna, age 10
Hannah, age 13 (we'll send you a library of TeenVirtue books since you're older!)

Hannah, we don't have an email address for you, but we have your mom listed as Amy Williams. Please comment here or email Jamie at Jamie@virtuousreality.com with your email address when you see this!

Thanks to all who entered! I know your comments will be very helpful as I write the next issue of Between!